Give me back my YIN!
Today I am not feeling funny and yesterday I wasn’t either. I don’t like to post things that are heavy or heart wrenching; I like to keep things light in hopes that my heart will feel light. This week is different though, my heart is heavy and my mind is not cooperating. So, here is the conversation I had with my self this morning;
Me: Where did my funny go? I want it back please! I don’t want to be sad today!
Yin: Hey! Stop dwelling things will work out.
Yang: But what if ____and you know____ and blah, blah horrible outcomes
Yin: I said stop dwelling and fretting lets go outside and get some fresh air
Yang: Haha its raining outside just accept that today is not your day…
Yin: FINE!!! But I get the mind back tomorrow…
This internal struggle reminded me of something I wrote a while back. Maybe I needed to be reminded that balance is important and I am going to share it with you today:
I sit here and ponder why I feel unbalanced. I am sad and confused without true cause. I am happy with my life, with where I am and whom I am with. I am proud of my children and am accepted by my peers. I have everything I ever wanted yet I am not happy. I have spent my life weathering storms and finding peace despite the world around me. I now, live in a place of peace, there is no drama or chaos, just Nature, kindness and love. How could I find peace within a constant wave of negativity and not when I am surrounded by light?
I am a great proponent for positive energy and looking for the good in every situation. Maybe I have missed part of the equation. If I only allow the positive energy then balance is not there. I have been leaning the yin and forgetting my yang.
I have realized that happiness is a choice and you can choose anything. I have also realized in my life that everything I do feel and think is in my control but there is another side to it. Yes, all these things are in my control but that doesn’t alleviate the task of self introspect or working through the feelings I feel. I cannot simply choose to ignore the negative feeling, because if I do then I stunt my growth and stop learning about my self. Also by ignoring the negative feelings I lack balance and true happiness. I can simply choose to be surface happy or I can choose to understand my feelings and work diligently to overcome what ever is creating the feelings and be actually happy.
It is very important for me to realize that the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference and that without sadness we would not know what happiness felt like. We must have dark in order to know light and we need anger to feel forgiveness.
I wonder if others on this same path have found the same stumbling block. I think with my search for positive, I let the negative buildup and I pretended like it wasn’t there. Now, I am reaping the consequences of what I have done. I have created my life exactly how I want, complete with a house surrounded by an abundance of nature, peace from drama and conflict and plenty of time to focus my energy on my children. What could possibly be keeping me up at night?
Its my past, unresolved anger that I conveniently shutdown. The sadness I feel or the embarrassment I once experienced. Somehow my brain has decided that instead of sleeping I should analyze every mistake or bad decision I ever made. (Thanks Brain! That is so not cool!)
I think that in order to put my mind a peace I need to allow these emotions to walk their course. Forgive myself and accept the negative as part of me rather than ushering the negative away with a miniscule positive purpose that I somehow rationalized to mean the negative was justified.
The reality is we all experience exactly what we need to learn and if we do not learn the lesson the first time it repeats itself until we accept the lesson. I believe my biggest lesson to learn in this life is balance and acceptance. I need to allow myself to be happy with my past, present and future despite the negative.
I believe every experience, makes you who you are! Therefore, everything happens for a reason even if we do not understand it yet (I need to have faith). I can rationalize away any and all negative experiences in a flash but I am coming to realize that I must not dismiss or push away these feelings and instead embrace them and allow myself to reflect both my Yin and my Yang.
Now the most important part of getting my brain back:
The Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Tomorrow is a new day. 🙂
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