The CB Conspiracy

funny

If I was to cast a movie I would call it the CB conspiracy. It would be about the secret goal of all children to prevent more procreation in the household.  I wrote this blog a long time ago but it fits with today’s daily prompt so I thought I would reblog it here for today’s daily prompt:

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/08/28/daily-prompt-superstar/

The CB Conspiracy:

The day my daughter asked what CB meant was a creative and inspirational day for me. See my husband has nicknamed my children and dogs CB1 through 4. When my daughter turned ten she finally asked what it meant.

kidsmeme

Of course, I can’t tell her the original meaning: Cock Block!  I will tell you how they achieved this nickname. It is a tough conspiracy to swallow but the truth is there and you will soon see how the multifaceted nickname is fitting for all the rug rats.

rugrats

The conspiracy: My husband believes that children are born with instincts that detect intimacy. As soon as he or I begin to touch each other they must intervene. He claims it is in their DNA. At first I didn’t believe him but as my kids grew older I see he might have a point.  My son will hone in on the simplest acts of intimacy. My husband might come close to kiss me in the kitchen while the children are playing elsewhere in the house and BAM he is beside us asking to be part of the “group hug” I am like it wasn’t a group until you showed up but who can say no to that cute face asking to hug so the intimacy is gone and we are hugging as parents instead of lovers again.

My daughter has the same instincts but hers are more devious. She will go on about her day and wait until late at night after everyone is asleep. We will cuddle close and begin to snuggle in an intimate manner and BAM she is at our door asking for water or saying she is cold but the worst is that she had a nightmare and needs to snuggle. We welcome her in and by the time she is ready to return to her bed all intimacy is gone and sleep take priority.

sleeping

The dogs are just as bad. The little one jumps on the bed and feels the instinctual need to be lie between my husband and I at all times. We can push her down repeatedly and eventually we give up and sleep. During the few time s my husband and I achieve intimacy we have to throw her out of the room, which results in her whining at our bedroom door alerting the other CB’s that she has failed in task to stop intimacy. The big dog is told old to jump on the bed and he gave up on stopping us long before the other CB’s came into existence but his instinct survives in his ability to wake the others and alert them to the situation. The big dog is sickened by the impending intimacy and seeks out the girl to assist him. See her bed is lower to the ground so he climbs up there and wakes her up so that she will stop all intimacy.

dogonbed

The motivation for this process escaped me for a long time and I doubted my husbands conclusions until it struck him as to why, “every animal has instinctual self preservation and they know that intimacy leads to more rug rats so therefore it must be stopped to preserve their place in the pack.” Yes my husband often compares our family unit to that of wild animals and I hate to admit it but he usually has a valid point. Don’t tell him that though I wouldn’t want to give him false hope of becoming the pack leader…lol

The day my daughter wanted an explanation. I avoided answering it till after dinner and homework and bought my self time to brainstorm ideas that would be feasible and believable without grossing her out. So, I came up with a list of very fitting definitions all of which apply to all of the CB’s in my household. The funny thing is that my list is an unbelievable accurate explanation of all the instinctual actions of my rug rats. The list is as follows:

Clean Bat: A clean bat is an animal that uses all sense other than sight to seek and destroy all clean areas within the home. The bats get waves alerting them that a portion of the house has been cleaned and then their instincts draw them to the area and compel them to undo the cleanliness.  Both children and dogs suffer from clean bat syndrome and unfortunately there is no cure.

childrenmess

Citizen Ban (Radio): This was my husband’s suggestion because it is an acronym used by more people than us. This one was hard for me to define in relative terms but after some thought I succeeded: My children and most of my friend’s children instinctually broadcast all information that their parents don’t really want known. If a child accidentally discovers that her mother has decided to take a pole dancing class for exercise and excitement that child will turn into a virtual CB and announce it proudly at school with improper context.

For example: Teacher, “ Good morning class did you all have a good weekend?” Child, “ Oh yes!! My mommy learned how to twirl on a pole but she got her leg stuck and said she would not make a buck if she didn’t get it right!”

What really happened is the child over heard a conversation between her mother and her best friend who decided to take a pole dancing class for exercise and to spice up intimacy and the conversation consisted of sarcasm and laughter at themselves and it went like this: Friend, “What did you think of tonight’s class?” Mommy, “ Oh it was just grand I could twirl around the pole but when they said put you leg around it I lost all balance and landed on my tushy it was video worthy.” Friend laughing, “ well sh%$ you know its very important you succeed at twirling on a pole!” Mommy, “oh yeah if I don’t, I will never make a buck and people chunking change at me would hurt.” Mommy and friend laugh and continue talking but the child only heard that one part and was concerned about her mother making a buck.

funny

Children aren’t the only CB that fit in this category dogs do as well I will give another example for you skeptics out there:

You get a phone call from you bestie and notice that the children are happily playing without you so you quietly sneak outside to have the conversation you want to have, keeping in mind the previous scenario where your kids announce everything to everyone. You reach the back door and the four legged fur monsters alert everyone to your plan not allowing you to escape for that one phone call. Its instincts and a full-blown conspiracy!

Now all you mothers out there understand what I am saying and I would love to hear different explanations for the acronym CB.

Here are some other great responses:

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About jenmarsh79

I am a stay at home mother of two who has recently discovered the joy of blogging! :)

17 responses to “The CB Conspiracy”

  1. sheenmeem says :

    This is the first time I read your blog. I think it is the best. I enjoyed it and laughed at the various scenarios you depicted.

  2. vicbriggs says :

    Awesome post. Thank you

  3. thoughtsappear says :

    I’m about 3 months pregnant…. WHAT HAVE I DONE? I’ll never have sex again!

  4. Margaret Haynes Meritt says :

    You are the rock star of motherhood and I bow to your hilarious take on it! Brings back such fond memories for me…we used to lock the bedroom door and tell the kids we were having a budget meeting! 🙂

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